and it's goodbye time.

Camp is over... can you believe it?

Today was our graduation day for the girls and some of their families came.

They did the dances we have taught and showed off their tae kwon do. We all broke some wood! We summer missionaries sang some songs for them (Justin Bieber, of course - we sang "baby, baby, baby, ooooooh" to them and they all got up and danced with us - fun fun fun) and Kendall and Lauren did a rap for them- very funny. Then we handed out their certificates to them, their families all ate lunch and they headed out.

I don't know how else to say it other than I have just been kind of sad all day. It hit me while watching them do their dances that everything we worked at this summer has come to today, and it is all over. Watching the girls dance and listening to the words to the song "I Wish," which one of the dances was to just really brought me to tears. I'll post them. It really is our prayer for these girls

I wish I could paint your world so beautifulI wish I could make it rightBut of all the things I could ever wish for youI wish this more than life
Love the Lord with all your heartWith all your soulYour mind and strength
If I could give you back your innocenceAnd if I could turn back timeIf I could heal you of all the broken promisesStill the greatest thing in life
is love the Lord with all your heartWith all your soulYour mind and strength...
I was just watching them dance and praying for them... that God will protect them in the midst of the homes that many of them live in, with drugs and violence and abuse. I love these girls... and my heart is heavy that I won't see them anymore. But I also know that practically I am pretty exhausted and many more weeks of this would be so difficult. New Orleans, you have become a home to me. I only have a few more days this time, but I will be back! Now is time to take advantage of the time I have left with these wonderful ladies!

god turns sauls into pauls...

that was pretty much the synopsis of our small group time today.

I'm going to try to make this short because I am really tired (but that probably won't work).

Many of the questions the girls ask during small group time tend to revolve around the issue of "what if a person does this..." and "but what if you have a man who is in jail because he did this... and what is going to happen to him when he dies?" And I try to be intentional about getting them to understand that it isn't about what we DO, but where our faith and devotion lies.

...but I Thought since they have these kind of questions, I should share with them about a man whose life God radically changed. A man who called himself the "worst of all sinners". Yep, I told them all about Paul today.

Using lots of Scripture from Acts, I described to them the murderer that Paul was before encountering Christ, what happened when he encountered Christ, how his reaction was to being preaching the gospel, and the extreme influence he has had on the church - how God chose to use him specifically.

We discussed it in lots and lots of detail that I won't go into because it would take quite some time, and then I discussed how in 1 Timothy Paul says that because he is the worst of all sinners, he is an example to all believers of Christ's unfailing patience. I explained to them in detail that if God chose to save Paul and change his heart and life, he can do that for anyone.

One of my girls that I have gotten pretty close with started asking everyone if she was a Christian, and then asked me how to know if you are a Christian. So after I let everyone else out, I stayed and talked to her in detail about salvation, what it means to believe, trust, have faith in Christ, and also what it means to really make him lord over your life. We kind of went through that together, and I asked her if she did those things... did she believe and trust that Christ was God and had the power in his death to forgive sins? Did she believe in the resurrection? Does she live to try to please God and not her selfish, sinful nature? Then we talked about the fruits of the spirit in Galatians and how your desires change when God comes into your life and how that is shown. We talked about how one of the most amazing parts of salvation is not only getting into heaven but getting to know God and how you do that through prayer and reading his word.

And let me tell you, it felt so good the entire time talking to her. The spirit was just so encouraging and confirming for me the genuineness of the conversation and of her heart.

We prayed together, which was such a huge blessing, I told her that I loved her and how much I am going to miss her.

And that is so true... my heart has been really burdened today thinking of tomorrow being our last "real" day of camp... Friday is the graduation celebration deal when the families come. Reality is setting in that I won't be seeing these girls anymore.

I made Noodles, the girl I talked and prayed with a lot today, promise that she would write me... that better happen!

(told ya it wouldn't be short!!)

as for god, his way is perfect.

i was blessed today with another very good day. we had to send another girl home at one point, which of course is never fun, but the way i am choosing to look at it is that at least it is the last week and they got to enjoy it thus far. and there are so many other girls here - we can't allow someone to miss out because of someone else. and my prayer is that the discipline won't be in vain, but that she will come back next year with a different attitude, you know? and i think that is certainly a good possibility.

but i was very encouraged by my small group time today.

i decided a long time ago, and told the lord, i wanted to leave camp knowing that the girls understand the truth of the gospel - the real salvation story...

not the gospel mixed with superstition and voodoo, which permeates much of their learning.

our summer verse has been the first part of luke 10:27 - "love the lord your god with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind."

so this week courtney is doing devotions and breaking it up, talking about what it means to love with your heart, then your soul, and so on and so forth.

so today i presented this question to the girls: "why should we love god?"

i mean, in my mind, that is a fundamental question, especially for girls from the inner city, born into poverty and crime ridden homes.

so we answered this question with 1 john 4:19 - "we love because he first loved us."

then the question, "how do we know god loves us?"

then the answer, romans 5:8 - "but god demonstrates his own love for us in this: while we were still sinners, christ died for us."

so through that we talked about the gospel, i presented the salvation story to them, using the bridge diagram and there were lots of good questions. we really took it apart and talked about things from the fall, to how you get saved, to how you know the bible is true and jesus really came and died, to what baptism is and the purpose of baptism.

it was just so nice. i don't know a better way to put it - to be able to hear their questions and explain these things to them using tons of scripture.

i felt purpose in it all. like the spirit was really working. you know that feeling?

i just want to be faithful to the word of god, to the gospel, to christ.

and the gospel feels so good coming out of your mouth.

sweet sweet girls

good day, good day indeed

for our long weekend off, we hung out at kay's house in slidell... a suburb ( i guess ) about thirty minutes away.

we relaxed by the pool about all weekend, watched a bunch of movies, ate junk food... it was a wonderful sleepover.

it wasn't complete because casie had to go home for a few days for a wedding... so when we left sunday we went to pick her up, got dinner, and went back to creole creamery to get some ice cream because it was NATIONAL ICE CREAM DAY, duh. and that is a day i WILL celebrate.

i'm telling you... i love these girls. there are so many ways it is going to be so hard to leave next week. our camp girls, the missionaries, the staff, the city itself. i'm not allowed to think about it until this weekend. so i'm gonna stop now.

a ministry group called get real has been here since friday and they did camp today. it was such a blessing to us... they have a group of musicians in their group so they set up and played for the girls, served them breakfast, taught them about jamaica, did dances with them.

and our girls were so good today. it was just fun. we got to enjoy being with one another again... it was the best day in a very long time. so yes, good good day. i'm praying that we will be able to have a good week to go out on.

torn

so yesterday our girls were just wild and completely disrespectful. i think i understand the cycle:

they are wild, we have to holler over them to tell them to hush and try to get them to do what we are asking them to do, they feel threatened or hurt or offended, they put up walls (which are communicated through extreme attitudes) and those walls are up. this is what they have been taught, what they have been raised in.

and it infiltrates to the whole group, minus a few.

my small group time was the worst it has ever been, to the point of the girls almost being mean to me, which I know they don't mean, but in the heat of the moment they feel like they have to be defensive of themselves so it gets communicated in a rude, mean way. one of the girls i am closest to i have had to constantly get on, and i gave her chance after chance until i was blue in the face from it.

through dance, group time, game time, "relaxing," nutrition class... they were all very rude, and they all know better.

it got to the point where we had to do something other than empty threats. we had sent girls home because of different things and having those examples did nothing. and earlier that morning, kay had threatened to cancel friday's fun activities if we had to tell the girls to chill as a group again. of course, they were told at least ten times just in nutrition class to hush.

so we decided to cancel camp not only friday, but today as well. hopefully the time off will give them time to chill and they will come back monday and be able to have a good last week.

it is just so discouraging, you know? you see these girls that you love so much and it is just this continuous cycle of disrespect, attitude, and when you feel like perhaps you are getting through to them, you seem to take five steps back.

it makes me want to be able to stay in their lives forever, and try harder, do something.

i just want to do something.

"no discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful; later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it." hebrews 12:11

so....

the past two days have been such encouraging days for me. to be quite honest, both mornings I have woken up and just felt desperate for the Lord's strength and will, seeing the days as looming ahead, and losing sight of the joy I have with the girls.

both mornings I have prayed for the Lord to give me his perspective and to renew the joy I have of just being with the girls. after last week, I think I was just exhausted and stretched kind of thin.

but both yesterday and today, I have found such enjoyment throughout the day of just seeing the girls for who they are and laughing with them. and of course, we still have to get on to them or whatever, but i have just genuinely enjoyed them again.

hey, did i mention we went to the swamp sunday? saw some alligators! but there was oil in the water at the swamp... which means it has to be pretty bad to have made it through all the plants and everything to the boardwalk where we were walking.

baby gator!

really just pray for these girls... so many of them are so empty of hope and so used to living in the mess they see everyday. pray that God reveals the true hope he brings to them... be it through this camp or through some other vessel... I don't much care... I just want them to see Him for who He is. you know?

many aspire, few attain

in light of the experiences and emotions i have been dealing with lately, reading this yesterday was a huge comfort... encouragement... well i'm not sure what the right word is, but anyway, here ya go, from "many aspire, few attain":

"involvement in this spiritual warfare is a voluntary thing. it's our choice. in ancient israel, before going to war, the officers said to the people, "what man is there that is fearful and fainthearted? let him go and return unto his house, lest his brethren's heart faint as well as his heart" (deuteronomy 20;8). involvement in spiritual warfare is voluntary as well.

the apostle paul writes that a soldier must endure suffering and hardship if he plans on getting into battle (2 timothy 2:3). the spiritual battle is a battle for keeps. don't enter it unless you plan on winning. don't enter it unless you plan on giving your life totally to it. don't enter it unless you plan on suffering and enduring hardship because your adversary the devil and his legions of demons play dirty. they fight rough. they give no quarter.

but christ in you is greater than he that is in the world (1 john 4:4). and you are on the winning side. you can take refuge and consolation in that, but it is dirty, rough warfare - and the deeper you get into it, the meaner and nastier it gets. men come and go, and the attrition rate in the christian life is absolutely horrendous. in the final analysis, many aspire but few attain. many begin well, but precious few end well." -walter a. hendrichsen

pajama day and the view of the city from the ferry

oak alley plantation

it is not fair

it isn't fair that a mother completely robs her child of love. and makes the child feel responsible or guilty or that she has done something to deserve to not have the love.

a kid doesn't do anything to deserve not having her mom's love because a kid doesn't have to do anything to earn it.

it's a given, right? you have a precious child, you fall in love with it, you want the best for it for its entire life. Right?

isn't that the way it is supposed to be?

a child should never sob over the fact that she has never felt her mother love her before. she should never say the words, "it'd be easier if she had died." or "i never did anything." or "it just hurts." or "she doesn't want to be part of my life, and i will never let her back in."

that should never happen.

and why does it?

i don't understand. and it makes me so angry. how could you do that, or rather not do that, if we are talking about loving your child?

i just don't understand.

why are these kids born into families where the mother is strung out on crack?

where the mom is totally mental and they are watching their father die of cancer and being rushed to the hospital for choking up blood?

where they discover they have gonorrhea and their family they live with abuses them?

where they live with their grandparents because their mother is messed up and their grandfather loses his job so they go without food in order to feed the girls, and try to hide it from the girls, but of course they know everything.

where the mother dies of cancer when the girl is eleven.

where there are shootings and stabbings and break-ins outside their homes every night.

where they live across the street from or beside condemned houses that still are spray painted from the storm that turned all of their lives upside down.

where all they are taught is fight and defend.

where school systems completely suck and teach them nothing but what they cannot do.

why? it just is not fair.

but while i can't see past tomorrow, god is making history.

and we have had four girls get saved.

and it is one at a time, right? one at a time...

right.

sometimes it's hard.

Today was movie and pajama day… the girls got to wear their pajamas and we watched movies before and after lunch. And despite having to tell them to quiet down a good bit, it was an okay day.

Until time to go home. There was a fight.

Casie and I split it up.

An angry mom comes in and we get preached at. First, we were being blamed and lots of raised voices. After she vented a while, she came around and was telling us how it wasn’t our fault by the time she left. Long story…

It is so incredibly draining. These girls are constantly on edge, constantly fighting, constantly disregarding anything we say to them.

And then knowing what they go home to – the poverty, the lack of love, the lack of discipline… it doesn’t surprise me. It all seems so hopeless sometimes.

Kay, who has written a book on inner city missions, says this is the worst she has ever seen it and doesn’t know where to go with it. How do you combat what they have grown up in and live in constantly? The only way to do it is to be with them all the time, which is not possible.

The school systems stink, after school programs that the schools began after Katrina stink, their home lives stink.

How do parents not love their children? I simply cannot fathom or understand it. And it makes me so incredibly angry.

And one of my girls told me this morning that she found out she has gonorrhea… she is 12. And let’s put it this way, I am not sure how accurate her information she gave me was, and I’m not sure how she got it, but I am one hundred percent sure that it was not from anything she did willingly.

This is the hopeless.

This is what I know I have been called to.

Kay and I were talking today, and one thing she shared in our conversation was this:

She remembers sitting a neighborhood after Katrina, looking up and down the street and only seeing houses flooded, full of water. Sitting there, she asked the Lord where she was to go from here. It seemed overwhelming and hopeless, but the Lord spoke to her and told her – maybe she couldn’t fix them all, but she could start with one. One at a time – that is how the difference is made.

Looking at the hopelessness and seeing that task ahead, I have to remind myself of that constantly.

So, this morning began a bit rough… constantly having to get on the girls, which once again I have to remind myself is so necessary… hopefully we are planting seeds in their minds… anyway. I was just so drained and close to tears a couple of times.

But as the day progressed, it got better and better. By the end of the day, the Lord had renewed my strength and my joy for being around these girls. They are just so funny!

The main thing that we deal with I guess (other than just blatant disrespect and all) is how they talk about one another all the time. And when one girl was sat down and talked to about it, she just said she does it because her mom does it… which is the truth behind about everything with these girls… it is what they see, what they are taught, what they are raised it. You talk about people; you defend yourself and your family no matter what, etc. Of course, there are some exceptions – but very, very few, if any.

So today we had a staff meeting after all the girls were home and we were back from taking them, and we had a discussion about some of the issues in some of the families. One mom who is on crack and probably passed out most of the time (the girl who is the biggest instigator of them all), two girls who lives with her grandparents… the grandpa lost his job and they have been going without food in order to feed the girls and the girls know about it (she has been having a terrible attitude), one girl who goes home to an abusive grandmother, two girls who have terrible home situation and a father pretty much dying of cancer… and it goes on and on.

When you see that, when you know that, you can’t be angry with them.

All I wanted to do this afternoon in our meeting was sob for them. It seems so hopeless. How do you combat the way they have been trained to think, what they have been raised in? How do you give them enough love and grace?

Kay says she thinks they are trying to distance themselves from us in some ways because camp is going to end in a couple of weeks, and I will NOT let that happen. Part of me wants to stay forever, you know?

I know that this is what I am called to – the hopeless and hurting, and I know it isn’t going to be easy… it is going to be really hard. But I want to rescue them and I just can’t do it.

Hopefully things they learn here and the love they get here will show them another way of life, and they will know that they don’t have to end up making the terrible decisions some of them come from, and they won’t end up here living in the transition housing because they are homeless with kids.

Hearing their dreams and all the things they want to do with their lives burdens me so much. I pray, really I beg God, that they will make it.

The odds are against them, and it absolutely kills me.

But God is much bigger than all that, right?

Today

Today:

Probably the roughest day of camp so far, behavior wise.

My heart just aches over the way these girls treat each other and us. They are so mean to one another and so disrespectful towards us. We have really been dealing with it for the past few weeks heavily, and I don’t understand why it is, other than it is the way most of them have been taught at home, and schools certainly do nothing about it.

We have been told, both by staff, and by some of the campers themselves, that this group is the most wild and disrespectful yet.

I have had to be really stern, to the point of pretty much yelling today, with them. Sometimes it is the only way to communicate to 30-something girls who are all yelling and being ugly to one another. And they have to see that they have to listen to us.

It can just be hard because we want camp to be fun and I struggle because I just want them to know I love and care about them, but I know that discipline is necessary, and that shows that we care as well.

This afternoon they were just so bad and saying hurtful things to one girl in particular while we were trying to play a game, and they wouldn’t listen to any of us, so Kay came in and ended camp early.

Today was already kind of an emotionally trying day for me. A girl came to me this morning telling me some really heavy news. Kay has a relationship with this girl already, and it was information she needed to know, so I went to talk to Kay about it and we ended up talking for a while, and part of me has really just been feeling so badly for the fact that I will be leaving soon, and leaving these girls. And I guess I am just sad, both because I will be leaving , and because I can’t just change them or change their lives or rescue them. You know?

So overall, today has just been a trying day.

It is a weird place to be, you know? Being torn like this. A huge chunk of me longs for home and loved ones at home, but a huge chunk of my heart is here with these girls. And it is going to be really difficult, but that’s good, right? I mean I’m glad I love them the way I do.

Anyway, God is good. ALL THE TIME.

fire

Sunday after watching the sun rise and all, we came back, slept for a while… that afternoon we went down to the Quarter where they were having lots of music and stuff for the fourth. We saw the Treme Brass Band, a pretty well-known brass band here in NOLA. They start playing in one spot and then walk through the city playing, and a crowd gathers and follows them. It was very neat to see. There are these guys called dancing men who dance around while the band plays and get people from the crowd to dance with them and stuff. It was very cool.

THEN we went to the river, after Kendall and I snuck through a fence to go through the wharf warehouse to the other side where it was SO pretty and then running from the cops because it was definitely very illegal for us to be there, but hey you only live once, right? (turns out it was more dangerous than we thought because that is where a lot of people do drug deals, and the cops are super corrupt and sometimes have drug deals there too…) to watch the fireworks.

And let me tell you, they were the most beautiful fireworks I have ever seen… being on the river adds a lot to it I think, and the bridge is in the background… they have these two huge boats that shoot the fireworks off at the same time – one on this side of the bridge and the other on the other side… they call them the Dueling Barges Fireworks. Anyway, there were some that were huge and fell all the way onto the river. Gorgeous.

Monday, we did a WalMart/Sams run, had McAlisters, and then Kay took us over the Causeway, which is the 24-mile long bridge that runs over Lake Pontchartrain…that’s right, 24 miles, so at one point you are completely in the middle of the lake and all you can see is water on either side of you. And it is awesome. We got some PJ’s Coffee (another NOLA local place), came home and chilled.

Amurrica

After watching the sunrise on the Mississippi and sleeping for a while,

that afternoon we went down to the Quarter where they were having lots of music and stuff for the fourth. We saw the Treme Brass Band, a pretty well-known brass band here in NOLA. They start playing in one spot and then walk through the city playing, and a crowd gathers and follows them. It was very neat to see. There are these guys called dancing men who dance around while the band plays and get people from the crowd to dance with them and stuff. It was very cool.

parading in the quarter and the dancing man

THEN we went to the river to watch the fireworks! And let me tell you, they were the most beautiful fireworks I have ever seen… being on the river adds a lot to it I think, and the bridge is in the background… they have these two huge boats that shoot the fireworks off at the same time – one on this side of the bridge and the other on the other side… they call them the Dueling Barges Fireworks. Anyway, there were some that were huge and fell all the way onto the river. Gorgeous.

uhhhhhhhhhhpdate

I hate when I don’t blog in forever because then I have an annoying amount to write.

Let’s see... last week we spent a lot of time talking about self-image, relationships, self-respect and things of that nature. The girls were really attentive and I think genuinely into what we were talking about. I got them to write a lot of stuff in their journals that they will be taking home, so hopefully one day they will actually open it back up and look at some of the information we gave them about good and bad signs of relationships, things they want to do with their life, etc.

(it's kind of scary how well this shirt fits her...)

Then we had a four day weekend for the 4^th.

My weekend consisted of a lot of fun stuff… especially the part where I slept in a lot. That was beautiful. I missed seeing the girls after a couple of days, but having time to rejuvenate was so wonderful.

Saturday we ate and shopped in the French Quarter.
Oh! This is something to write about:

Sunday morning we got up and left around 5 AM to walk to the river to watch the sunrise. We stopped at Café du Monde (my favorite place to get coffee ever) and got café au laits and beignets and sat on the steps that go down to the water and watched the sun rise, and we all had our own Bible time. It was beautiful, really.

I'll post a separate blog about the afternoon...

a couple of very emotional days this week... but it was a great week. really, no matter what happens, i can't say any day is a bad day, because it is always a blessing to spend the days with the girls (although weekends are MUCH appreciated).

ms kang teaching how to make pot holders. she is the one who teaches us tae kwon do.

we went to the circus!!! it was so much fun... hadn't been since i was very young. there is so much to watch, i was a little overwhelmed.

cotton candy! we really did revert to childhood.

for our field trip we went to the stennis space center in mississippi, where they test all the engines that go into rockets.

dalyn wanted to wear my sunglasses. after joking around with her for a few minutes, she stuck to me the rest of the day... and i loved it... she is the cutest thing.

the lord is full of grace. and i have been living on his strength for the past few days. but like i said, so good.

"so i will very gladly spend everything i have for you, and expend myself as well." - the apostle paul

2 corinthians 12:15

nothing in my hands i bring...

i am emptied tonight.

one of my girl's "uncle" (i guess he was really her uncle... everyone seems to be related here) was killed in a shooting nearby last night.

the shooting deal is not unusual.

but tomorrow in our small group time we are talking about death, loss and grief. something these girls are very familiar with - being it shootings, stabbings, katrina, what have you.

most all of their questions during small group center around this concept of dying or death.

and i know that i have nothing to offer them.

it kills me. it isn't fair.

it's not fair that many of these girls have seen someone shot or stabbed.

it isn't fair that they fall asleep to the sound of people breaking into cars.

it isn't fair that they are born into these situations and raised to be violent and aggressive.

they are these beautiful innocent young girls. and i love them.

and god wants them.

and i know i have nothing to offer them. i am praying for humility as i address their questions tomorrow. and i pray that they will understand the compassion of god, the desire of god for them.

we live in a fallen world. it is the only explanation. i want to rescue them. and i know that my feelings are nothing compared to the brokenness of god over them.

down at the gulf

As soon as Michelle and I got back from ESL this morning, everyone was ready to leave to head to the coast to the day. We went to a fishing town called Grand Isle.

Everything there was just pretty deserted. There are lots of beach houses and things like that but of course no one was there. There were lots of signs that read something like, “BP, How are we supposed to feed our families?” and “BP, we’d rather be out fishing.” “BP, We want our beach back.”

Then we got to the beach and saw the oil in the water and all the boom and stuff they are using to clean up. There were lots of clean up crews and stuff.

But it was just quiet… and that’s probably what got to me more than anything. Because this beach is usually bustling this time of year, but there wasn’t anyone. And there are clumps of sand with oil in them and, you know, it just isn’t right.

You talk to people here and go there and you see how much it has just robbed people of their day to day lives.

It’s just not supposed to be this way, ya know?

clean up crews along the coast

oil in the water and on the sand

NOLA seafood and jazz

Last night we went out to eat for my birthday… had some local seafood and it was delicious. Then we went to Preservation Hall, which is a jazz club that has been there forever and some famous jazz musicians like Louis Armstrong got their start there. The brass band (whose name I cannot remember) played and it was a lot of fun. I loved it. It was in this super small room that looks like the inside of an old barn… there are a few benches in the very front, but unless you get there super early, you stand around.

Anyway, it was very cool.

Today was skating day for our field trip. It was a lot of fun to just be able to have fun with the girls. I have kind of gotten bogged down during certain parts of the days the past couple of days because I have had to discipline and get on the girls so much.

And, like, I know it’s for their good and it shows that I care about them and all that, but there is still part of me that doesn’t want to have to do that, you know? Like, I want them to have fun and to be able to have good relationships with them and stuff, and I don’t want it to be all discipline. But I know that it is mostly in my mind and I know that it is good for them.

I just love these girls so much… I hope they see that, you know?

But in the midst of feeling this way, I get up and am reading this morning in Hebrews, where I have been for a while, and of course I would be at the part about how the Lord disciplines those he loves, right? And Hebrews 12:11 spoke directly to me, as if God were sitting in front of me saying these words to me himself:

“No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.”

That is an incredible promise, huh?

And oh oh oh… the girl who got saved last week told me yesterday about how she read the Bible at a meeting at her mom’s work (which is at the alcohol rehab place where they live). It was the excerpt about storing up treasures in heaven in Matthew and also the excerpt about not worrying and seeking the kingdom first… yeah… she turned there the other day and saw it underlined (I underlined some places of Scripture when I gave her the Bible) and read it in small group. She said she is going to read at more meetings and stuff.

That made me so proud of her!! And she is asking a lot of questions because she really doesn’t understand much… and a lot of girls in small group have been asking questions. And I just know that the Lord can use it… maybe now, maybe later… but I know he will.

It’s not always easy… It’s often pretty trying and stretching, but it is so worth it. I love these girls and I see so much potential in all of them. Please pray for them.

I have no clue where to begin or how I’m gonna end.

Bullet points:

Saturday – ESL, no Sandor – Saturday off… he deserves it, Lion King with Briana, festival in the Quarter, coffee shops, etc.
Sunday – church at Metairie Baptist, lunch at McAlisters, chilling here

Good week so far… good girls, Tuesday was Tae Kwon Do, can’t wait to be able to kick some butt and break some boards.. it’s gonna be mind-blowing. Ms. Khan knows how to lay down the law (especially in the form of push-ups).

And today was my birthday… and let me tell you, these folks know how to make a girl feel special on her birthday. Well, these folks meaning everyone in my life. I am SO incredibly blessed… I’m not even kidding. I have been blown away by the love that has come my way today. Let me give you a few highlights -

-woke up this morning to happy birthdays and texts from loads of friends
-surprised by a Mardi Gras bear with tons of Mardi Gras beads (I hadn’t gotten any and I was SO excited to get some) and a card waiting for me from Megan (the best cook ever)… it was so sweet it brought tears to my eyes.
-hugs and hugs and hugs from my girls, and one of them gave me a little bear and a little perfume thing
-surprise flowers and balloons from my mom
-my birthday party was the best!!!! I had a beautiful cake that I had kind of designed and all that Megan made (chocolate with cream cheese icing – oh my gosh it was SOOOOO delicious), getting sung to by the best group of girls (the soulful version of “Happy Birthday” – loved it!)
- they have this tradition in New Orleans of pinning money on you when it’s your birthday so I got some dollars pinned to me!
- the girls putting icing on my face cause apparently that’s what they do at school
- and last BUT NOT LEAST getting cake shoved in my face (and up my nose…)
- and surprise gifts from home and the staff here

I’m telling you, I got to have a NOLA birthday and it has been so great. The Lord is overwhelmingly good to me.

Tomorrow we (the staff) are going out to eat some good NOLA seafood and going to listen to some jazz.

this is what it's all about

After quite a trying week, today was a great day. This week we had a visiting youth group from Texas that came to the house and did the camp with the girls. They came with a gigantic group (230 youth!) but only about 13 of them stayed with us. They did lots of cool things and were such a blessing to the girls… and our girls really enjoyed it.

It was cool to get to know some of the girls, but it was hard not being able to really spend lots of time with our girls and invest in them.

All in all, it was a trying week, a tiring week, and there were a lot of emotionally exhausting days. But there were good days too so I don’t want to sound completely negative.

Tuesday we went to Cheesecake Bistro and had magical cheesecake and it was... well… magical.
Wednesday we went to New Orleans Mission to take some food and that was pretty eye-opening. We also had to see a family with two precious little girls get turned away from being able to stay at BFH because the mother didn’t want to agree to get a job. And that is heartbreaking.
A prostitute who has gotten too far into her lifestyle and is stuck.
A child who is stuck with an abusive family member.
A girl who gets stopped by some strange man who tries to talk her into getting in the car with him on the way to camp and she is terrified and shaking and weeping.
Like I said, an emotionally exhausting week.

And I don’t understand why it happens the way it does and why these two precious girls have to be on the streets because of a mother who doesn’t want to work, or why these girls aren’t even safe to walk down the street.

But then…

Today the Texas group was having their small group time with the girls and they told me that one of my girls was acting pretty interested in the gospel and all and so she and I were talking at lunch and…

… she got saved today!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And let me tell you something, I don’t care how much crap goes on, I don’t care how emotionally drained I feel, I don’t care when I am afraid of how I am going to deal with upcoming weeks and how much God breaks my heart all summer long.

This is what it is all about.

And now I can look forward to my 8 o’clock date with Sandor in the morning. Or should I say en la manana?

find in me thine all in all.

Saturday – ESL… I worked with Sandor again. He is such a cool old man. I love it.

Sunday – SUCH an encouraging morning at Grace Baptist Church. Certainly not what I was expecting… a little country church in the middle of the city… It would be so much to write to tell you all that was going on inside of me, but let me just say that literally – in the midst of sudden discouragement, fear, weakness, wondering how I would make it through the next several weeks, the Lord brought incredible encouragement.

I loved the church, I loved the service. And the Lord reminded me that he cares about what I struggle with – emotionally, physically, whatever. He cares. I sometimes think that my “humanness” does not really matter to him because he is the infinite God, you know? But that is so contrary to what Scripture teaches – he cares when I miss loved ones, when I feel exhausted and don’t know how I will face the week ahead – and he desires to restore me by my focusing my eyes on him and his glory.

One quote I’d love to share (okay, I’d love to share more, but I know I’m a bit long-winded...):

“At the moment of Jesus’ revealing himself as the 3-in-1 God at the transfiguration, he showed himself not as the lowly carpenter of the suffering messiah, but as the glorious son of God, high and lifted up, worthy of our trust, our dependence, and of being exalted. He shows himself as the source of our strength in the midst of our discouragement and sacrifices becoming too much.”

After doing some shopping in the French Quarter, we got back and our guests from Texas were here. They brought 230 youth to the city and 13 of them (plus a few adults) are here working with us in BFH for the week. They dolled the place up and it looked super cool today and the girls loved it. They have a different theme each day – today’s was “God’s Birthday Party.” Tomorrow is bake day and they are teaching the girls how to measure recipes and stuff. Neat.

We are going to have a lot to live up to after they leave!

God is so faithful. 2 Timothy 2:13. Amen.

I get to live in New Orleans for the next month and a half with some new great friends. Whattttttttt!?

So the Lord I feel like has definitely been reaffirming my passion for inner city-ness, and I am praying over some specific possibilities for my future.

I’m watching You’ve Got Mail!!!!!!

white bengal tigers

so i haven't posted about the past couple of days and i'm going to TRY to not be so long winded.

the other day we were talking about bullying in our small group. let me tell you, i have no idea what these girls go through. trying to teach them other ways to deal with anger and aggression is difficult because it is all they know - all they have been taught. and when they are at school, their teachers suck. the school system here is just terrible. there is no way out for them when it comes to fighting a lot of times... i mean i'm not going to tell them to not defend themselves.

so i have been focusing on teaching them to not initiate it and how to handle it before it turns into a fight. and a couple of girls i have really been seeing changes in and it is super encouraging. like one girl actually chose to walk away rather than get in someone's face twice now, and that is a huge step.

so encouraging.

these are just innocent young girls who have been born into really terrible situations, you know? and my heart is so broken over them because i feel like they have been gipped in some ways, and i just want to give all i have to them for this summer and pray that the lord really uses it.

anyway.

i did relaxation techniques (which they LOVE) after exercise (which they HATE) thursday. and half of them fell asleep. and they are so cute.

yesterday was up2hope day at the zoo. every friday there is some kind of field trip/activity.

my group did great with staying together and getting along and not complaining about the heat/walking (for the most part).

and the lord was super gracious in that he held of the rain until we got in the vans to leave... literally, it started raining when we got in the vans.

first - me and my ladies

second - roman candy!!!! it's like a NOLA thing you have to get at the zoo... apparently... a lot like taffy (that's what the old folks call it).

first - this is what happens when they sit on a baby elephant and i tell them to all say dumbo... they all yell dumbo and point at each other.

second - brushing the goat... it was hilarious how much they freaked out about touching things in the petting zoo.

the white bengal tigers were my favorite!!! they are beautiful!

so week one of up2hope - a success! i love love love these girls.. they certainly know how to tire out a bunch of summer missionaries though, so we are relaxing this weekend.

encouraged

... that's how i've been feeling lately.

i wrote a blog and lost all of it so i can't rewrite all of it now. i'm too burnt out.

BUT know that my prayer that i would fall in love with these girls has certainly been answered.

maybe i will write more later but these girls are great and the need for this program has been so obvious to me. they need to be taught that they have options in life and don't have to choose the same path their mothers or parents have chosen. i have been intentionally putting jeremiah 29:11 in front of them.

i want so badly for them to get that god desires for them to live a life of hope and he desires to prosper them and love them and they need to know that god does not want to harm them.

they ask questions about why god makes poor people, and i can't answer that, you know? i could try to give some nice pretty theological answer but the truth is i don't really completely know, but i do know that god desires to give them a hope in their poverty and that is all i know to tell them.

i have been incredible blessed and i am so aware of it. all this love i have for them is definitely from god. and the holy spirit has been so encouraging to me.

games, making aprons, eating brownings, doing scavenger hunts and piggy back rides all day (literally, all day... i'm sore... but i LOVE it). and i can't wait to see them tomorrow.

some scripture i've been clinging to lately:

romans 12:11

"never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the lord."

romans 13:8;10

"let no debt remain outstanding, except the continuing debt to love one another, for he who loves his fellowman has fulfilled the law... love does no harm to its neighbor. therefore love is the fulfillment of the law."

1 corinthians 15:58

"therefore, my dear brothers, stand firm. let nothing move you. always give yourselves fully to the work of the lord, because you know that your labor in the lord is not in vain."

2 corinthians 4:7

"but we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from god and not from us."

2 corinthians 5:8-9

"we are confident, i say, and would prefer to be away from the body and at home with the lord. so we make it our goal to please him, whether we are at home in the body or away from it."

oh! and i just heard that they are saying this could be the worst hurricane season yet. they are predicting 8-13... could be interesting, huh?

this right here is a jar of clay.

Today was day 1 of Up2Hope, the summer program for girls 9 and up that we are doing.

I had an absolute blast.
I love these girls so much.
Already!

There was eatin’, devotions, dancing, crafting, game-ing, more eatin’, a lesson on Honduras that Kendall and I gave (we have both been), making art journals, snacks, more dancin’ and having fun.

That’s pretty much a Monday. The Honduras deal is something we do every Monday – a lesson on another culture to show these girls that there are other places and that we have more in common with others than we think – that sort of deal. Many of them hadn’t even seen the Mississippi River and they have grown up in New Orleans. They are confined a lot of times to their ward… the city is split into sections called wards. I guess that’s how you spell it.

We’ll use our art journals every week and it is a super cool way to just put thoughts onto paper through different types of art. I think the girls really liked it.

Today was so good. The girls are already so clingy and loving and it makes me so excited to see these relationships form and see the girls open up over the summer.

OH MY GOSH I CAN’T WAIT

… that was a little excitement coming forth.

So we got our groups and I have a group of older (12-15) year olds. I am super excited about having this group and I’m sure other girls will be added.

I feel so blessed, so so so humbled.

Last night I was reading in 2 Corinthians 3 and 4 and Paul is talking about the ministry he is a part of and how he preaches the word of God and he says that we have this treasure in jars of clay… and I feel exactly like that. It is so real in my life lately, this feeling of being a jar of clay – a worthless, dirty, undeserving nothing, but I have this treasure – the word of God planted inside of me. And grace is so real.

I was reading it and got kind of emotional because that is exactly what we are as believers, as ministers of the gospel. Of ourselves, we are nothing – just ugly clay jars. But what we have inside of us is Christ, and this is what gives me my worth and my meaning.

As he says, I carry around the death of Christ in order that life may abound.

Gah, I can’t believe I get to serve such an incredible God!

So I rambled a lot and none of this may make any sense, but whatever.
I really can’t wait to see what the Lord does this summer… I just pray I’m faithful. I want these girls to see the Lord so badly.

Anyway, I'll stop rambling now. Good day.