a couple of very emotional days this week... but it was a great week. really, no matter what happens, i can't say any day is a bad day, because it is always a blessing to spend the days with the girls (although weekends are MUCH appreciated).

ms kang teaching how to make pot holders. she is the one who teaches us tae kwon do.

we went to the circus!!! it was so much fun... hadn't been since i was very young. there is so much to watch, i was a little overwhelmed.

cotton candy! we really did revert to childhood.

for our field trip we went to the stennis space center in mississippi, where they test all the engines that go into rockets.

dalyn wanted to wear my sunglasses. after joking around with her for a few minutes, she stuck to me the rest of the day... and i loved it... she is the cutest thing.

the lord is full of grace. and i have been living on his strength for the past few days. but like i said, so good.

"so i will very gladly spend everything i have for you, and expend myself as well." - the apostle paul

2 corinthians 12:15

nothing in my hands i bring...

i am emptied tonight.

one of my girl's "uncle" (i guess he was really her uncle... everyone seems to be related here) was killed in a shooting nearby last night.

the shooting deal is not unusual.

but tomorrow in our small group time we are talking about death, loss and grief. something these girls are very familiar with - being it shootings, stabbings, katrina, what have you.

most all of their questions during small group center around this concept of dying or death.

and i know that i have nothing to offer them.

it kills me. it isn't fair.

it's not fair that many of these girls have seen someone shot or stabbed.

it isn't fair that they fall asleep to the sound of people breaking into cars.

it isn't fair that they are born into these situations and raised to be violent and aggressive.

they are these beautiful innocent young girls. and i love them.

and god wants them.

and i know i have nothing to offer them. i am praying for humility as i address their questions tomorrow. and i pray that they will understand the compassion of god, the desire of god for them.

we live in a fallen world. it is the only explanation. i want to rescue them. and i know that my feelings are nothing compared to the brokenness of god over them.

down at the gulf

As soon as Michelle and I got back from ESL this morning, everyone was ready to leave to head to the coast to the day. We went to a fishing town called Grand Isle.

Everything there was just pretty deserted. There are lots of beach houses and things like that but of course no one was there. There were lots of signs that read something like, “BP, How are we supposed to feed our families?” and “BP, we’d rather be out fishing.” “BP, We want our beach back.”

Then we got to the beach and saw the oil in the water and all the boom and stuff they are using to clean up. There were lots of clean up crews and stuff.

But it was just quiet… and that’s probably what got to me more than anything. Because this beach is usually bustling this time of year, but there wasn’t anyone. And there are clumps of sand with oil in them and, you know, it just isn’t right.

You talk to people here and go there and you see how much it has just robbed people of their day to day lives.

It’s just not supposed to be this way, ya know?

clean up crews along the coast

oil in the water and on the sand

NOLA seafood and jazz

Last night we went out to eat for my birthday… had some local seafood and it was delicious. Then we went to Preservation Hall, which is a jazz club that has been there forever and some famous jazz musicians like Louis Armstrong got their start there. The brass band (whose name I cannot remember) played and it was a lot of fun. I loved it. It was in this super small room that looks like the inside of an old barn… there are a few benches in the very front, but unless you get there super early, you stand around.

Anyway, it was very cool.

Today was skating day for our field trip. It was a lot of fun to just be able to have fun with the girls. I have kind of gotten bogged down during certain parts of the days the past couple of days because I have had to discipline and get on the girls so much.

And, like, I know it’s for their good and it shows that I care about them and all that, but there is still part of me that doesn’t want to have to do that, you know? Like, I want them to have fun and to be able to have good relationships with them and stuff, and I don’t want it to be all discipline. But I know that it is mostly in my mind and I know that it is good for them.

I just love these girls so much… I hope they see that, you know?

But in the midst of feeling this way, I get up and am reading this morning in Hebrews, where I have been for a while, and of course I would be at the part about how the Lord disciplines those he loves, right? And Hebrews 12:11 spoke directly to me, as if God were sitting in front of me saying these words to me himself:

“No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.”

That is an incredible promise, huh?

And oh oh oh… the girl who got saved last week told me yesterday about how she read the Bible at a meeting at her mom’s work (which is at the alcohol rehab place where they live). It was the excerpt about storing up treasures in heaven in Matthew and also the excerpt about not worrying and seeking the kingdom first… yeah… she turned there the other day and saw it underlined (I underlined some places of Scripture when I gave her the Bible) and read it in small group. She said she is going to read at more meetings and stuff.

That made me so proud of her!! And she is asking a lot of questions because she really doesn’t understand much… and a lot of girls in small group have been asking questions. And I just know that the Lord can use it… maybe now, maybe later… but I know he will.

It’s not always easy… It’s often pretty trying and stretching, but it is so worth it. I love these girls and I see so much potential in all of them. Please pray for them.

I have no clue where to begin or how I’m gonna end.

Bullet points:

Saturday – ESL, no Sandor – Saturday off… he deserves it, Lion King with Briana, festival in the Quarter, coffee shops, etc.
Sunday – church at Metairie Baptist, lunch at McAlisters, chilling here

Good week so far… good girls, Tuesday was Tae Kwon Do, can’t wait to be able to kick some butt and break some boards.. it’s gonna be mind-blowing. Ms. Khan knows how to lay down the law (especially in the form of push-ups).

And today was my birthday… and let me tell you, these folks know how to make a girl feel special on her birthday. Well, these folks meaning everyone in my life. I am SO incredibly blessed… I’m not even kidding. I have been blown away by the love that has come my way today. Let me give you a few highlights -

-woke up this morning to happy birthdays and texts from loads of friends
-surprised by a Mardi Gras bear with tons of Mardi Gras beads (I hadn’t gotten any and I was SO excited to get some) and a card waiting for me from Megan (the best cook ever)… it was so sweet it brought tears to my eyes.
-hugs and hugs and hugs from my girls, and one of them gave me a little bear and a little perfume thing
-surprise flowers and balloons from my mom
-my birthday party was the best!!!! I had a beautiful cake that I had kind of designed and all that Megan made (chocolate with cream cheese icing – oh my gosh it was SOOOOO delicious), getting sung to by the best group of girls (the soulful version of “Happy Birthday” – loved it!)
- they have this tradition in New Orleans of pinning money on you when it’s your birthday so I got some dollars pinned to me!
- the girls putting icing on my face cause apparently that’s what they do at school
- and last BUT NOT LEAST getting cake shoved in my face (and up my nose…)
- and surprise gifts from home and the staff here

I’m telling you, I got to have a NOLA birthday and it has been so great. The Lord is overwhelmingly good to me.

Tomorrow we (the staff) are going out to eat some good NOLA seafood and going to listen to some jazz.

this is what it's all about

After quite a trying week, today was a great day. This week we had a visiting youth group from Texas that came to the house and did the camp with the girls. They came with a gigantic group (230 youth!) but only about 13 of them stayed with us. They did lots of cool things and were such a blessing to the girls… and our girls really enjoyed it.

It was cool to get to know some of the girls, but it was hard not being able to really spend lots of time with our girls and invest in them.

All in all, it was a trying week, a tiring week, and there were a lot of emotionally exhausting days. But there were good days too so I don’t want to sound completely negative.

Tuesday we went to Cheesecake Bistro and had magical cheesecake and it was... well… magical.
Wednesday we went to New Orleans Mission to take some food and that was pretty eye-opening. We also had to see a family with two precious little girls get turned away from being able to stay at BFH because the mother didn’t want to agree to get a job. And that is heartbreaking.
A prostitute who has gotten too far into her lifestyle and is stuck.
A child who is stuck with an abusive family member.
A girl who gets stopped by some strange man who tries to talk her into getting in the car with him on the way to camp and she is terrified and shaking and weeping.
Like I said, an emotionally exhausting week.

And I don’t understand why it happens the way it does and why these two precious girls have to be on the streets because of a mother who doesn’t want to work, or why these girls aren’t even safe to walk down the street.

But then…

Today the Texas group was having their small group time with the girls and they told me that one of my girls was acting pretty interested in the gospel and all and so she and I were talking at lunch and…

… she got saved today!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And let me tell you something, I don’t care how much crap goes on, I don’t care how emotionally drained I feel, I don’t care when I am afraid of how I am going to deal with upcoming weeks and how much God breaks my heart all summer long.

This is what it is all about.

And now I can look forward to my 8 o’clock date with Sandor in the morning. Or should I say en la manana?

find in me thine all in all.

Saturday – ESL… I worked with Sandor again. He is such a cool old man. I love it.

Sunday – SUCH an encouraging morning at Grace Baptist Church. Certainly not what I was expecting… a little country church in the middle of the city… It would be so much to write to tell you all that was going on inside of me, but let me just say that literally – in the midst of sudden discouragement, fear, weakness, wondering how I would make it through the next several weeks, the Lord brought incredible encouragement.

I loved the church, I loved the service. And the Lord reminded me that he cares about what I struggle with – emotionally, physically, whatever. He cares. I sometimes think that my “humanness” does not really matter to him because he is the infinite God, you know? But that is so contrary to what Scripture teaches – he cares when I miss loved ones, when I feel exhausted and don’t know how I will face the week ahead – and he desires to restore me by my focusing my eyes on him and his glory.

One quote I’d love to share (okay, I’d love to share more, but I know I’m a bit long-winded...):

“At the moment of Jesus’ revealing himself as the 3-in-1 God at the transfiguration, he showed himself not as the lowly carpenter of the suffering messiah, but as the glorious son of God, high and lifted up, worthy of our trust, our dependence, and of being exalted. He shows himself as the source of our strength in the midst of our discouragement and sacrifices becoming too much.”

After doing some shopping in the French Quarter, we got back and our guests from Texas were here. They brought 230 youth to the city and 13 of them (plus a few adults) are here working with us in BFH for the week. They dolled the place up and it looked super cool today and the girls loved it. They have a different theme each day – today’s was “God’s Birthday Party.” Tomorrow is bake day and they are teaching the girls how to measure recipes and stuff. Neat.

We are going to have a lot to live up to after they leave!

God is so faithful. 2 Timothy 2:13. Amen.

I get to live in New Orleans for the next month and a half with some new great friends. Whattttttttt!?

So the Lord I feel like has definitely been reaffirming my passion for inner city-ness, and I am praying over some specific possibilities for my future.

I’m watching You’ve Got Mail!!!!!!

white bengal tigers

so i haven't posted about the past couple of days and i'm going to TRY to not be so long winded.

the other day we were talking about bullying in our small group. let me tell you, i have no idea what these girls go through. trying to teach them other ways to deal with anger and aggression is difficult because it is all they know - all they have been taught. and when they are at school, their teachers suck. the school system here is just terrible. there is no way out for them when it comes to fighting a lot of times... i mean i'm not going to tell them to not defend themselves.

so i have been focusing on teaching them to not initiate it and how to handle it before it turns into a fight. and a couple of girls i have really been seeing changes in and it is super encouraging. like one girl actually chose to walk away rather than get in someone's face twice now, and that is a huge step.

so encouraging.

these are just innocent young girls who have been born into really terrible situations, you know? and my heart is so broken over them because i feel like they have been gipped in some ways, and i just want to give all i have to them for this summer and pray that the lord really uses it.

anyway.

i did relaxation techniques (which they LOVE) after exercise (which they HATE) thursday. and half of them fell asleep. and they are so cute.

yesterday was up2hope day at the zoo. every friday there is some kind of field trip/activity.

my group did great with staying together and getting along and not complaining about the heat/walking (for the most part).

and the lord was super gracious in that he held of the rain until we got in the vans to leave... literally, it started raining when we got in the vans.

first - me and my ladies

second - roman candy!!!! it's like a NOLA thing you have to get at the zoo... apparently... a lot like taffy (that's what the old folks call it).

first - this is what happens when they sit on a baby elephant and i tell them to all say dumbo... they all yell dumbo and point at each other.

second - brushing the goat... it was hilarious how much they freaked out about touching things in the petting zoo.

the white bengal tigers were my favorite!!! they are beautiful!

so week one of up2hope - a success! i love love love these girls.. they certainly know how to tire out a bunch of summer missionaries though, so we are relaxing this weekend.

encouraged

... that's how i've been feeling lately.

i wrote a blog and lost all of it so i can't rewrite all of it now. i'm too burnt out.

BUT know that my prayer that i would fall in love with these girls has certainly been answered.

maybe i will write more later but these girls are great and the need for this program has been so obvious to me. they need to be taught that they have options in life and don't have to choose the same path their mothers or parents have chosen. i have been intentionally putting jeremiah 29:11 in front of them.

i want so badly for them to get that god desires for them to live a life of hope and he desires to prosper them and love them and they need to know that god does not want to harm them.

they ask questions about why god makes poor people, and i can't answer that, you know? i could try to give some nice pretty theological answer but the truth is i don't really completely know, but i do know that god desires to give them a hope in their poverty and that is all i know to tell them.

i have been incredible blessed and i am so aware of it. all this love i have for them is definitely from god. and the holy spirit has been so encouraging to me.

games, making aprons, eating brownings, doing scavenger hunts and piggy back rides all day (literally, all day... i'm sore... but i LOVE it). and i can't wait to see them tomorrow.

some scripture i've been clinging to lately:

romans 12:11

"never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the lord."

romans 13:8;10

"let no debt remain outstanding, except the continuing debt to love one another, for he who loves his fellowman has fulfilled the law... love does no harm to its neighbor. therefore love is the fulfillment of the law."

1 corinthians 15:58

"therefore, my dear brothers, stand firm. let nothing move you. always give yourselves fully to the work of the lord, because you know that your labor in the lord is not in vain."

2 corinthians 4:7

"but we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from god and not from us."

2 corinthians 5:8-9

"we are confident, i say, and would prefer to be away from the body and at home with the lord. so we make it our goal to please him, whether we are at home in the body or away from it."

oh! and i just heard that they are saying this could be the worst hurricane season yet. they are predicting 8-13... could be interesting, huh?